New Year's Resolution for 2012

                                         

So, I’m sitting at my desk and thinking about the upcoming year.  I didn’t get any coal in my pantyhose this year, so I am assuming Santa thinks I was a pretty good girl.  I didn’t kill any plants this year, which means my black thumb has run its course and perhaps Mother Nature is giving me a break for a change.  But what about 2012?  What can I expect?  With only a few days before the clock strikes the New Year, I have come up with my New Year’s Resolutions that I hope will give me an edge.  Here they are:

1. I will change the blade in my razor at least 2 times this year. (Bloody legs and underarms didn’t go over as well as I thought they would.)
2. I will remove my make up before I go to bed at least once a week.  (My electric hand sander broke from over use and they are expensive to replace.)
3. I will change the oil in my car at least once a year.  (Hey, if you don’t get a free car wash, why bother?)
4. I will tell my children I love them every day.  (I still want gifts on my birthday, Chanukah and Mother’s Day, don't I?)
5. I will bend over at least once a week for exercise.  (This is up from every other week last year)
6. I will take at least one trip and not scream during take- off and landing, thus reducing the terror I inflict on the other passengers. (I’m not promising anything for the time in between)
7. I will try and find a device that can scratch my back and apply lotion where my arms do not reach. (I used to call this device Mark, and now am using a wall for the scratching…the lotion just streams down onto the rug.  Not working for me.)
8. I will focus on remembering what I forgot to remember to remember. 
9. I will not nag my children.  (Okay we all know that one isn’t going to fly.  It’s against nature and I don’t want to piss off Mother Nature as it hasn’t snowed yet this year.  So just forget about #9)
10. I will not turn sideways but will only approach people head-on. (I mean why torture myself and others?  The frontal view is so much better and deceiving of what lies underneath?  I look 20 pounds lighter from the front, however, this calls for a lot of spinning around during the day and my balance isn’t so good.)
11. I will be a good caretaker for my dog.  (Oh wait, I don’t have a dog.  I don’t have any pets.  Damn.  I’m already screwing up #8).

 I think 11 resolutions is my limit.  A dozen of anything is too much for me these days.  Happy New Year to one and all from me and my loving Fido (damn, I keep forgetting I don’t have a dog!)