It's Just a Lot of Hot Air

 

I have been blessed in so many ways in my life.  Great husband.  Great kids.  Great siblings.  Great friends.  But the greatest blessing of all has been my Tinnitus.  You know Tinnitus!   No, it’s not my dog.  It’s the constant ringing in my ears that I have had for over 10 years.  It provides that lovely ambient noise in the middle of my brain that keeps me awake, which wouldn’t be a problem except it does so all night long.

But heh, we have learned to live together without much conflict until yesterday when I went for a hearing test.  It turns out Tinnitus has an effect on my being able to hear high pitched sounds.  I needed to know in no uncertain terms exactly what sounds I have been missing for 10 years.  I asked the doctor to be truthful, hold no punches as I could take whatever he had to tell me.  With tears in his eyes and shaking his head back and forth, he explained that I have lost the ability to hear……..whistling.  OMG!!!!!!!

Now it all makes sense.  Ten years ago I heard guys whistling at me all the time!  But as I look back, I haven’t heard such jaw dropping adoration since the 90s.  I changed my hair, I bought push up bras, I covered up the spider veins on the back of my legs and yet, I heard no whistling.  Over time, I had seen men pucker up and when I heard no sound, I thought they were just blowing hot air.  To them, I apologize for not acknowledging their well deserved appreciation of my efforts to improve myself.  Then I thought perhaps Congress had passed a bill banning whistling, but now I know the truth.  And the truth hurts.

Now the question is, how to move forward?  What is a life without being able to hear whistling?  I will have to check to see if there is a support group for this. Now, no more trips to the annual International Whistling Competition for me.  No more whistling while I work.  All I’m left with are cat calls.  But, life is a compromise, so say our Congress people.  And if they can do it, so can I.  

 

Been There, Coughed Up That

 

I came out from under my bed today and what did I see?

Lots of people coughing all over me.

Sharing is lovely and I’m not one to complain

But what benefit are your germs, you have to explain.

Being old and being sick is nothing at which to sneeze

So, much as I like you,  keep your “strip do caucus” away from me … please.

I’d like to see 65 in happiness and health

And if the market goes my way, with a little, just a little wealth.

No touching, no kissing, no elbows, no knees

So I’m kinky, I get it, just please heed my pleas.

It’s back under the bed where I’m safe and I’m sound

You can text, you can call, till spring comes around.

Stay well, that’s your job and do it you must

That’s my ruling from Judge Maxie and my rulings are just.