I just booked a flight to Florida to get away for a few days
and was pleased and surprised to see the many fares from which I could choose
(I was a journalism major so I know not to end with a proposition…or is it
preposition?) Here were my choices from
most expensive to least expensive:
VIP SEATING
(otherwise known as Tax Reform Bill beneficiaries): You will be warmly welcomed by the airline
staff. Free libations, snacks, blankets,
reclining seats, pillows, foot massage, paraffin treatment for your hands,
liposuction and early boarding. A limo awaits your arrival.
YOU THINK YOU ARE
RICH, BUT YOU’RE NOT SEATING:
(otherwise known as Tax Reform Bill wanna be beneficiaries): Airline
staff wave at you upon boarding. Your
seat reclines almost all the way back, but not quite. Only one foot gets massaged, and one hand
gets a paraffin treatment. No
liposuction, but a meat baster is available. A pillow, but BYOB (bring your own
blankie). Directions to the cab stand are provided.
UPPER MIDDLE CLASS
SEATING: (otherwise known as possible Tax Reform Bill beneficiaries
depending on how many children and how many houses you own): Airline staff smile upon boarding. Your seat reclines and then pops back up in a
secure and upright position. Anything
you want, you can have. You just have to
fork over your 401K to pay for it. You
are allowed to look at your hands and feet but not your ass. Find your way home.
MIDDLE CLASS SEATING:
(otherwise known as thought you were benefiting from the Tax Reform Bill, but
you were wrong): Airline staff laugh at you when boarding. You are lucky to
have a seat so stop bitching. You get to see pictures of what everyone in the
forward cabins are eating and drinking that are not available to you. You can
look at your hands, but not your feet and certainly not your ass. Home?
YOU CALL THIS A SEAT
SEATING? (otherwise known as you get
what you pay for): Airline staff pretend
not to notice you. Your luggage is your
seat. No food, no drinks, no pictures,
no windows! Blinders are available so
you don’t have to see others enjoying their flying experience (at a cost). One
free potty trip. You are not allowed to
see your hands or your feet, but since your ass is hanging off the back of your
luggage seat, they can’t stop you from looking at it. There’s no place like home, there’s no place
like home.
Obviously, I could not afford the first 3 seating classes. So, I’m checking out my backside as much as
possible before my trip so I don’t forget what it looks like. My campaign slogan for 2018 is Make Airlines
Great Again!!
