So, I’m sitting at my desk and thinking about the upcoming year. I didn’t get any coal in my pantyhose this year, so I am assuming Santa thinks I was a pretty good girl. I didn’t kill any plants this year, which means my black thumb has run its course and perhaps Mother Nature is giving me a break for a change. But what about 2012? What can I expect? With only a few days before the clock strikes the New Year, I have come up with my New Year’s Resolutions that I hope will give me an edge. Here they are:
- I will change the blade in my razor at least 2 times this year. (Bloody legs and underarms didn’t go over as well as I thought they would.)
- I will remove my make up before I go to bed at least once a week. (My electric hand sander broke from over use and they are expensive to replace.)
- I will change the oil in my car at least once a year. (Hey, if you don’t get a free car wash, why bother?)
- I will tell my children I love them every day. (I still want gifts on my birthday, Chanukah and Mother’s Day, don't I?)
- I will bend over at least once a week for exercise. (This is up from every other week last year)
- I will take at least one trip and not scream during take- off and landing, thus reducing the terror I inflict on the other passengers. (I’m not promising anything for the time in between)
- I will try and find a device that can scratch my back and apply lotion where my arms do not reach. (I used to call this device Mark, and now am using a wall for the scratching…the lotion just streams down onto the rug. Not working for me.)
- I will focus on remembering what I forgot to remember to remember.
- I will not nag my children. (Okay we all know that one isn’t going to fly. It’s against nature and I don’t want to piss off Mother Nature as it hasn’t snowed yet this year. So just forget about #9)
- I will not turn sideways but will only approach people head-on. (I mean why torture myself and others? The frontal view is so much better and deceiving of what lies underneath? I look 20 pounds lighter from the front, however, this calls for a lot of spinning around during the day and my balance isn’t so good.)
- I will be a good caretaker for my dog. (Oh wait, I don’t have a dog. I don’t have any pets. Damn. I’m already screwing up #8).
I think 11 resolutions is my limit. A dozen of anything is too much for me these days. Happy New Year to one and all from me and my loving Fido (damn, I keep forgetting I don’t have a dog!)