Wednesday, June 26, 2013

What To Do When I Retire



I recently read an article that listed 8 part-time jobs a person might consider after retirement.  Suggestions included tour guide, retail salesperson, bookkeeper, home health care provider, yadda, yadda, yadda.  I guess for the average person, these might be of interest.  But to me, the not so average person….this list sucks.

So, here is my updated list that I am offering in case anyone needs my unique skills.

#1:          Professional crier:  I am available for weddings, funerals, job firings, surprise parties, divorce proceedings, births, or any emotional event.  I can produce tears in a matter of seconds awake or asleep.    Kleenex not included.

#2:          Expert Party Pooper:  Give me a party, I can be miserable and ruin it for others as well.  My special skills include moping, pouting, finger drumming, whining and vomiting. 

#3:          Gum chewer:  Have braces, dentures or partials?  Can’t chew gum on your own?  I am available to chew it for you.  I prefer peppermint, but would consider other flavors.  I charge in 15 minute increments and will return the fully chewed piece upon request.

#4:          Sunburn peeler:  My children can attest to the fact that I have always loved peeling their little sunburned bodies.  The dermatology police have yet to catch me in the act, so my record is clean.  I am also available for grape and peach peeling if that rings your chimes.

#5:          Back scratcher:  This service is an interactive activity.  You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours is a requirement.  A true give and take service.   I give you 15 minutes and I take 20 in return.  Additional services include arm, head and feet.  No toes.  Don’t ask.

#6:          Gossip monger:  Got a secret you want to disseminate?  I’m your gal.  You can call, text or email me.  No twitter.  My tweeter is broken at this time.  I can share your innermost thoughts, fears, joys, and more with a whole host of friends, strangers, and yet to be determined relatives all for the low, low price of….oh, that’s a secret.

#7:          Gas passer:  It seems the current trend in gas exploration is fracking.  Well, it doesn’t take a lot of water and pressure to get natural gas from this source.  So think of me the next time you need to fill your tank.  My resources are always available at a moment’s notice.  A little cheese please and I am ready, willing and more than able.

#8:          Back seat driver:  Actually I prefer to sit in the front seat on the passenger side where I can get my hands on the air bag (see #7) and you can hear me better.  I can critique, scream, hyperventilate, vomit (see #2), attempt to take the wheel away from you, throw myself from the car (moving or not), display any number of fingers in any number of sequences at passing cars, guffaw at speed limit signs, and other requests made in writing 10 days in advance.   However, I will not throw trash out the window.  I do have my limits.

I can also bundle my services (hey, Progressive Insurance can do it and so can I).  Perhaps you are going to drive (#8) to a boring divorce (#1) beach (#4) party (#2) where they hand out gum (#3) that you are allergic to that causes you to itch (#5).  Bundling available with a 10% discount.

As I am turning 65 in a few months, I am taking orders now.   And if you sign up in the next 15 minutes, you will also get my 2014 Maxine Does Davenport Calendar.  So don’t delay.