Saturday, July 12, 2014

The Eyes Have It!

                                             
I recently had an eye exam and was told I needed to change the way I perceive things.  So I decided to rid myself of contacts and go back to glasses.  With this change I decided I wouldn’t see things as black or white, good or bad, high or low, in or out, perfect or….well, I think I can make an exception as to how I perceive myself on that one.

So, with this new outlook, I started looking around and wanted to share my new view of my world.  Because when you change your perception, you can change the outcome.  Here’s my list:

Item                                                      Old Perception                                 New Perception

Flood in Davenport                            Disaster                                              Front and backyard pool

My Body                                              Droopy Everything                           Proving Gravity Exists

Political Ads                                         Shoot Me                                           Paying for a DVR is great

Mammograms                                    Discomfort                                         Reminds me how I love
                                                                                                                           pancakes
                                                                                                                    
Children                                               I take care of them                          They will take care of me

Pickleball                                             Great exercise                                   A way to pop a tendon

Sex                                                        Great exercise                                  Female.  What you check on
                                                                                                                          forms.

Parking Lots                                        Place to park your car                      Great exercise looking for
                                                                                                                           said car
 

Airplane Travel                                   Irritable Bowel Syndrome               AMTRAK is my friend

Sleep                                                     What I used to get                           Chance to eat 3 more times

Crocheting Doilies                              What old people do                         What vibrant age advancing
                                                                                                                            people do

AARP                                                     What me?                                          Me

Words with Friends                           Good Challenge                                 Losing is Fun….sure!

Losing Body Hair                                OMG!                                                   Ooh La La

Going Gray                                          Getting Old Sucks                              Blondes have more fun. 
                                                                                                                           When?

Forgetfulness                                     Fear of Dementia                               Great excuse for
                                                                                                                            EVERYTHING!!

And the list goes on, but I don’t.  The point is, I am trying to see the world in a new way.  The world as a beautiful place, filled with beautiful people loving and laughing, helping one another, doing no harm, working together as one people, no preconceived notions, no disease and no hatred.  I think they call that smoking weed.  And since I don’t live in a state where that is legal, I’ll just have to wear my new glasses and do what I can to make MY world a better place.  Join me?

 

 

 

                               

 

Thursday, May 15, 2014

My Vagina Monologue


 

 

This posting is rated “V”, not recommended for persons who are offended by the word “Vagina”, the abbreviation “Vag” or the letter “V”.  You can’t say I didn’t warn you!

So, picture this…yesterday my vagina and I woke up early to go to the gym.  Wait, wait, wait.  Perhaps “picture this” isn’t the way to go.  Let’s start over.  Listen to this...yesterday my….well, you remember the rest and I hate to repeat myself, I really hate to repeat myself. 

It’s been a week of doctor’s appointments (isn’t that what you are supposed to do when you retire?)  I had my head checked out, blood tests for my thyroid condition, and a visit to the family doc.  I recently visited the traveling Health Fair RV for a round of tests to check all things heart related.  So far so good.  And yesterday I was giving equal billing to my feminine side and “Vag” was very happy.  And that’s important because we are very close.  We have been through some intimate times and 2 births together so V’s happiness is my happiness.  However, going to the OB/GYN hasn’t been the best of times over the past few years so there was some hesitancy.  The problem has been a turnover problem.  Oh, don’t get the wrong idea, I haven’t had a problem turning over….yet.  The problem is that every year my doctor has left and I have to see a new doctor.  After 3 consecutive changes, “Vag” and I are beginning to wonder if we are to blame. 

So this year we decided to put our best foot forward, so to speak. We went to the gym to be in the best shape we could be in, shaved and moisturized my legs, had a pedicure, took a shower, practiced a few Kegel exercises, you know, like getting ready for a date.  Then off we went.  Got to the doc’s office right on time, checked in, handed over my newly laminated Social Security card, put my phone on vibrate (of course) and started playing Words with Friends for 15 minutes.  Then I played 7 Little Words for another 15 minutes.  Watched some office staff come and go from lunch for another 15 minutes.  Tried to get beyond level 30 of Candy Crush which didn’t happen for another frustrating 15 minutes.  Played Shuffle for another 15 minutes and then Vag had enough.  The moisturizer on my legs had dried up, I was beginning to sweat, my toe nails were growing at a ridiculous pace, and I couldn’t Kegel one more time. 

So I stood up, checked to make sure my bladder would hold and marched up to the window to ask what was taking so long.  The receptionist inquired as to which doctor I was there to see.  Obviously I had been there so long they forgot who I was already.  I was then told that my doctor was not even there, had not been there all morning, and they didn’t know when he was due to come back from surgery.  Vag was in an uproar; not a pretty picture I can tell you.  I did a couple of deep knee bends to get under control, swallowed my initial reaction of “Are you .…..ing kidding me” and smiled through clenched teeth and a clenched “V” and said, REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  With that, I took my vagina and left.
 
Later that day I got an apology call from the doctor’s office and was offered a $10 gift card and a new appointment tomorrow.  Nothing will kill the pain of rejection, abandonment, being overlooked, or being forgotten.  And you can be damn sure I’m not shaving my legs again.  There are consequences in life and my vagina is not very forgiving.

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

My Week as a Jewbyterian


Since I was young (40), I have looked forward to the time when I was older (65) and could partake of the experience known as Elder Hostel (now called Road Scholar).  As a lover of parentheses and all things spiritual, I searched high and low (actually I just talked to my friend Lancene) to find someone who would take this journey with me.  Of the many experiences Road Scholar offers, we chose the one that touched me closest (i.e. the one I could afford).  Called “Mind, Body & Spirit”, it was held in April at a Presbyterian mountain retreat in North Carolina. 

As soon as we arrived, I was struck by the beauty of the area and of the hill I had to drag my luggage up.  Everything about the week was beyond my expectations:  The food was delicious and abundant, the participants were interesting and incredibly friendly, the rooms were newly redecorated and Lancene was a perfect travel mate.

But it was the programs and their leaders that made the week exceptional.  I learned how to sit, stand, lift, breathe, relax, get up from a position on the floor without toppling over, how to topple over with grace, exercise my brain, eat properly (I now put blueberries in my brownies), add variety to my computer games… and then there was the spiritual piece.

Each morning we explored the Old Testament’s psalms, led by Jim, a retired Presbyterian minister (truly wonderful!!!).  The only Jewish person in the group, I tried to add what I knew (limited as it was) about the Jewish perspective and traditions.  Jim was so inspiring and learned.  His insight brought me new insight and I wanted to honor his teaching by becoming an honorary Jewbyterian (yes, I coined this term).    It’s a pretty easy sect to follow.  You just eat blue brownies, topple over periodically, drag luggage up hills, breathe when appropriate and appreciate learned scholars and their insights at an affordable price.  I would absolutely recommend the Road Scholar programs and particularly the “Mind, Body & Spirit” experience.   I would also recommend Lancene as a travel buddy, but she is mine and you can’t have her.

 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

What To Do When I Retire



I recently read an article that listed 8 part-time jobs a person might consider after retirement.  Suggestions included tour guide, retail salesperson, bookkeeper, home health care provider, yadda, yadda, yadda.  I guess for the average person, these might be of interest.  But to me, the not so average person….this list sucks.

So, here is my updated list that I am offering in case anyone needs my unique skills.

#1:          Professional crier:  I am available for weddings, funerals, job firings, surprise parties, divorce proceedings, births, or any emotional event.  I can produce tears in a matter of seconds awake or asleep.    Kleenex not included.

#2:          Expert Party Pooper:  Give me a party, I can be miserable and ruin it for others as well.  My special skills include moping, pouting, finger drumming, whining and vomiting. 

#3:          Gum chewer:  Have braces, dentures or partials?  Can’t chew gum on your own?  I am available to chew it for you.  I prefer peppermint, but would consider other flavors.  I charge in 15 minute increments and will return the fully chewed piece upon request.

#4:          Sunburn peeler:  My children can attest to the fact that I have always loved peeling their little sunburned bodies.  The dermatology police have yet to catch me in the act, so my record is clean.  I am also available for grape and peach peeling if that rings your chimes.

#5:          Back scratcher:  This service is an interactive activity.  You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours is a requirement.  A true give and take service.   I give you 15 minutes and I take 20 in return.  Additional services include arm, head and feet.  No toes.  Don’t ask.

#6:          Gossip monger:  Got a secret you want to disseminate?  I’m your gal.  You can call, text or email me.  No twitter.  My tweeter is broken at this time.  I can share your innermost thoughts, fears, joys, and more with a whole host of friends, strangers, and yet to be determined relatives all for the low, low price of….oh, that’s a secret.

#7:          Gas passer:  It seems the current trend in gas exploration is fracking.  Well, it doesn’t take a lot of water and pressure to get natural gas from this source.  So think of me the next time you need to fill your tank.  My resources are always available at a moment’s notice.  A little cheese please and I am ready, willing and more than able.

#8:          Back seat driver:  Actually I prefer to sit in the front seat on the passenger side where I can get my hands on the air bag (see #7) and you can hear me better.  I can critique, scream, hyperventilate, vomit (see #2), attempt to take the wheel away from you, throw myself from the car (moving or not), display any number of fingers in any number of sequences at passing cars, guffaw at speed limit signs, and other requests made in writing 10 days in advance.   However, I will not throw trash out the window.  I do have my limits.

I can also bundle my services (hey, Progressive Insurance can do it and so can I).  Perhaps you are going to drive (#8) to a boring divorce (#1) beach (#4) party (#2) where they hand out gum (#3) that you are allergic to that causes you to itch (#5).  Bundling available with a 10% discount.

As I am turning 65 in a few months, I am taking orders now.   And if you sign up in the next 15 minutes, you will also get my 2014 Maxine Does Davenport Calendar.  So don’t delay.

               

 

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Tattoos versus Taboos


 
 
Last week I picked up my new contact lenses and I find I am not seeing as well as I should. So when I received an email yesterday regarding today’s 10 most common office tattoos, I was very excited. How disappointed I was to find it described office taboos, not tattoos.  Even though NONE of these relate to me, I thought YOU might be interested.
Poor Hygiene. To keep from smelling, shower and don’t floss, clip your nails, brush your hair or apply makeup at your desk.
  • Poor Health Habits. Wash your hands often, and cough in your elbow.
  • Wear Appropriate Clothing.
  • Gossip. Don't be the source or instigator of office gossip.
  • Email Etiquette. Please, please do not hit "Reply All" unless you really think it is critical
  • Pets. Don't assume that you can bring Fido in without asking first
  • Cooking. It is probably not a good idea to cook fish, broccoli or even microwave popcorn.
  • Perfumes and Colognes. More than just a drop is probably too much.
  • Cell Phones. For some reason when people answer a call on their cell phone their voices automatically go up several decibels. And, yes, you may have a hilarious ring tone, but after the fourth or fifth time it's just not that funny.
  • Undergarments. Undergarments are meant to be "under". 
  • Mistakes and Goofs. We all make mistakes at work. It is not necessary to point out your co-workers' goofs to all the other employees.
  • Sex Life. Your sexual exploits should be private
  • Cursing. Yelling, cursing, screaming should be directed to your favorite politician, not to your co-workers.
So today after I came to the office and shared with my co-workers , my evening of passionate love making,  I shoved my boobs back into my blouse and read the email with the list of office taboos which I simply couldn’t relate to.  I then went into the bathroom and sat in the sink and bathed.  Forgetting my cologne, I just used air freshener to give myself a fresh scent.  I cleaned the toothpaste residue off my desk along with my clipped nail remains and wisps of hair that fell out due to my advancing age.  I wiped my diseased hands on the last tax return I processed before putting on my lipstick which fell into the shredder.  Then I sent an email to everyone I know to tell them about my new pet dog that I named "Schmoozer" who pooped on my foot and then attacked my boss.  But I was able to release his grasp as I had just cooked cabbage and the smell made him faint (the dog, not my boss).  As the day progressed, I made damn sure I pointed out all the mistakes everyone had made.  Now I’m off to get a tattoo.
 
 
 
 

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

It's Just a Lot of Hot Air



 
I have been blessed in so many ways in my life.  Great husband.  Great kids.  Great siblings.  Great friends.  But the greatest blessing of all has been my Tinnitus.  You know Tinnitus!   No, it’s not my dog.  It’s the constant ringing in my ears that I have had for over 10 years.  It provides that lovely ambient noise in the middle of my brain that keeps me awake, which wouldn’t be a problem except it does so all night long.

But heh, we have learned to live together without much conflict until yesterday when I went for a hearing test.  It turns out Tinnitus has an effect on my being able to hear high pitched sounds.  I needed to know in no uncertain terms exactly what sounds I have been missing for 10 years.  I asked the doctor to be truthful, hold no punches as I could take whatever he had to tell me.  With tears in his eyes and shaking his head back and forth, he explained that I have lost the ability to hear……..whistling.  OMG!!!!!!!

Now it all makes sense.  Ten years ago I heard guys whistling at me all the time!  But as I look back, I haven’t heard such jaw dropping adoration since the 90s.  I changed my hair, I bought push up bras, I covered up the spider veins on the back of my legs and yet, I heard no whistling.  Over time, I had seen men pucker up and when I heard no sound, I thought they were just blowing hot air.  To them, I apologize for not acknowledging their well deserved appreciation of my efforts to improve myself.  Then I thought perhaps Congress had passed a bill banning whistling, but now I know the truth.  And the truth hurts.

Now the question is, how to move forward?  What is a life without being able to hear whistling?  I will have to check to see if there is a support group for this. Now, no more trips to the annual International Whistling Competition for me.  No more whistling while I work.  All I’m left with are cat calls.  But, life is a compromise, so say our Congress people.  And if they can do it, so can I.  

 


Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Been There, Coughed Up That

 

I came out from under my bed today and what did I see?
Lots of people coughing all over me.

Sharing is lovely and I’m not one to complain

But what benefit are your germs, you have to explain.
Being old and being sick is nothing at which to sneeze

So, much as I like you,  keep your “strip do caucus” away from me … please.
I’d like to see 65 in happiness and health

And if the market goes my way, with a little, just a little wealth.
No touching, no kissing, no elbows, no knees

So I’m kinky, I get it, just please heed my pleas.
It’s back under the bed where I’m safe and I’m sound

You can text, you can call, till spring comes around.
Stay well, that’s your job and do it you must

That’s my ruling from Judge Maxie and my rulings are just.