I just booked a flight to Florida to get away for a few days and was pleased and surprised to see the many fares from which I could choose (I was a journalism major so I know not to end with a proposition…or is it preposition?) Here were my choices from most expensive to least expensive:
VIP SEATING (otherwise known as Tax Reform Bill beneficiaries): You will be warmly welcomed by the airline staff. Free libations, snacks, blankets, reclining seats, pillows, foot massage, paraffin treatment for your hands, liposuction and early boarding. A limo awaits your arrival.
YOU THINK YOU ARE RICH, BUT YOU’RE NOT SEATING: (otherwise known as Tax Reform Bill wanna be beneficiaries): Airline staff wave at you upon boarding. Your seat reclines almost all the way back, but not quite. Only one foot gets massaged, and one hand gets a paraffin treatment. No liposuction, but a meat baster is available. A pillow, but BYOB (bring your own blankie). Directions to the cab stand are provided.
UPPER MIDDLE CLASS SEATING: (otherwise known as possible Tax Reform Bill beneficiaries depending on how many children and how many houses you own): Airline staff smile upon boarding. Your seat reclines and then pops back up in a secure and upright position. Anything you want, you can have. You just have to fork over your 401K to pay for it. You are allowed to look at your hands and feet but not your ass. Find your way home.
MIDDLE CLASS SEATING: (otherwise known as thought you were benefiting from the Tax Reform Bill, but you were wrong): Airline staff laugh at you when boarding. You are lucky to have a seat so stop bitching. You get to see pictures of what everyone in the forward cabins are eating and drinking that are not available to you. You can look at your hands, but not your feet and certainly not your ass. Home?
YOU CALL THIS A SEAT SEATING? (otherwise known as you get what you pay for): Airline staff pretend not to notice you. Your luggage is your seat. No food, no drinks, no pictures, no windows! Blinders are available so you don’t have to see others enjoying their flying experience (at a cost). One free potty trip. You are not allowed to see your hands or your feet, but since your ass is hanging off the back of your luggage seat, they can’t stop you from looking at it. There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.
Obviously, I could not afford the first 3 seating classes. So, I’m checking out my backside as much as possible before my trip so I don’t forget what it looks like. My campaign slogan for 2018 is Make Airlines Great Again!!