I recently read an article that listed 8 part-time jobs a
person might consider after retirement.
Suggestions included tour guide, retail salesperson, bookkeeper, home
health care provider, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I guess for the average person, these might be of interest. But to me, the not so average person….this list
sucks.
So, here is my updated list that I am offering in case
anyone needs my unique skills.
#1: Professional
crier: I am available for weddings,
funerals, job firings, surprise parties, divorce proceedings, births, or any
emotional event. I can produce tears in
a matter of seconds awake or asleep.
Kleenex not included.
#2: Expert
Party Pooper: Give me a party, I can be
miserable and ruin it for others as well.
My special skills include moping, pouting, finger drumming, whining and
vomiting.
#3: Gum
chewer: Have braces, dentures or partials? Can’t chew gum on your own? I am available to chew it for you. I prefer peppermint, but would consider other
flavors. I charge in 15 minute
increments and will return the fully chewed piece upon request.
#4: Sunburn
peeler: My children can attest to the
fact that I have always loved peeling their little sunburned bodies. The dermatology police have yet to catch me
in the act, so my record is clean. I am
also available for grape and peach peeling if that rings your chimes.
#5: Back
scratcher: This service is an
interactive activity. You scratch my
back and I’ll scratch yours is a requirement. A true give and take service. I give
you 15 minutes and I take 20 in return. Additional
services include arm, head and feet. No toes. Don’t ask.
#6: Gossip
monger: Got a secret you want to
disseminate? I’m your gal. You can call, text or email me. No twitter.
My tweeter is broken at this time.
I can share your innermost thoughts, fears, joys, and more with a whole
host of friends, strangers, and yet to be determined relatives all for the low,
low price of….oh, that’s a secret.
#7: Gas
passer: It seems the current trend in
gas exploration is fracking. Well, it
doesn’t take a lot of water and pressure to get natural gas from this
source. So think of me the next time you
need to fill your tank. My resources are
always available at a moment’s notice. A
little cheese please and I am ready, willing and more than able.
#8: Back seat
driver: Actually I prefer to sit in the
front seat on the passenger side where I can get my hands on the air bag (see
#7) and you can hear me better. I can
critique, scream, hyperventilate, vomit (see #2), attempt to take the wheel
away from you, throw myself from the car (moving or not), display any number of
fingers in any number of sequences at passing cars, guffaw at speed limit
signs, and other requests made in writing 10 days in advance. However, I will not throw trash out the
window. I do have my limits.
I can also bundle my services (hey, Progressive Insurance
can do it and so can I). Perhaps you are
going to drive (#8) to a boring divorce (#1) beach (#4) party (#2) where they
hand out gum (#3) that you are allergic to that causes you to itch
(#5). Bundling available with a 10% discount.
As I am turning 65 in a few months, I am taking orders now. And if you sign up in the next 15 minutes, you
will also get my 2014 Maxine Does Davenport Calendar. So don’t delay.
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