My NEW Year's Resolutions

2015.  Add the numbers together, subtract 2, add 100, multiply by 4, divide by 8 and you get a number that represents a year in my life I don’t even remember.  Now, take 2014 ….yes, take 2014, take it, take it, take it already.  I am giving it to you because it wasn’t one of my better ones.  So, before starting 2015, in order to make it one to remember, I have decided to share my New Year’s Resolutions so if I forget, at least I can ask you to remind me.  In all sincerity, here they are:

1:            Change my underwear once a week whether I need to or not (let's hear it for
                retirement)

2:            Shave my underarms so the one remaining hair doesn’t extend down my side

3:            Sell my condo…….although I probably have a better chance of selling a condom than my
               condo but a girl can hope and pray and plead and beg and just cry.  To prevent such an
               occurrence, just send me a check for $379,000 and I’ll send you the keys to your dream
               home and I can get rid of my nightmare

4:            Stop backing into cars with mine so as to prevent the continual $250 deductible that
               could buy such things as underarm razors
 

5:            Stop offering to show off my radiated breast which became a daily procedure for 6
               weeks and is now a habit I can't seem to break

6:            Remember things, stuff, people’s names, faces, addresses, pickleball scores, directions,
               appointments, basic things relating to daily living, stuff, people’s names, faces,
               addresses, pickelball scores, direction, appointments…..I really have to work on this one

 7:           Stop reading books I have already read, seem familiar but can’t stop reading until I
                remember who “dun it” which doesn’t occur until the last page at which time I exclaim
                “I knew I read this book before!” and proceed to forget what I just read.

8:            Be thankful every day for every day……………………that I can show my radiated breast to
               someone (some habits are hard to break)

9:            Lose weight…………..believe Santa is real, fly away with Peter Pan, invite the boogie man
               under my bed to dinner and other fantasies that are as likely to happen as losing weight

10:          Work on brain exercises so I don’t have to make lists, one of which I have in front of me
                that lists working on brain exercises so I don’t have to make lists but without the list in
                front of me I won’t remember to work on brain exercises. 

11:          Move again  ……hey, it’s been 6 years and the ink is beginning to dry in your address
                book

12:          Tell my friends and family who have supported me these past 3 years since Mark died
                and through the last 5 months of cancer treatments how much I love and cherish them
                with all my heart and with my radiated breast.

 

The list which I am trying not to make any more given my brain exercises which should help me remember not to make lists is done for 2015 or as I like to call it “53”, the year I can’t remember.  So good buy 2014, may you be rear ended by a car (probably mine) and be forgotten, which could happen any minute now.  Happy New Year!

ODE TO MY BOOB

 

 

On September 20^th, my boob (let’s call her Boo) and I will be 66.  It seems like only yesterday when Boo was a simple nub, and I was more interested in my mother’s breast than my own.  In those years Boo and her twin Hoo ran free allowing the wind to cool them in the heat of the Kansas City summer.

Then, as time wore on, mother declared that I had to put a shirt on so as not to entice the neighbor boys.  Mother was a bit premature in that it was MANY MANY MANY MANY years before Boo and Hoo would have any effect on boys.  But I went along with the gag and kept an eye on their development.  At age 11 mom pretended I needed some support, strapping me into a “training bra”.  She simply failed to explain what I was training for.  Then we started with the alphabet going from a size A to a size A to a size A to a size A+. 

High school was a “bust”!!  (Boo made me do it while Hoo objected).  I made it to a size B with a lot of help from Kleenex which wouldn’t have been so bad except I forgot to remove it when I went into the swimming pool.  Try and explain floating soggy pieces of tissue circling you like sharks.  College brought a bit more activity to the scene but Boo and Hoo were still underutilized in my opinion.

After college, things perked up and so did Boo and Hoo.  Finally, there was some enticing going on but also disappointment in that I could have been going shirtless for over 21 years without anyone noticing.  And then there was Mark.  The guy who enticed me!  With the births of Rachel and Ali, Boo and Hoo went into full gear and I declared myself a “Woman”!  What this means is I made it to a size C, at least while I was nursing.  For the first time shirts were tight across my chest and I only needed Kleenex for their true purpose, drying my tears of joy!

Then I hit 40, and then 50 or rather they hit me.  First my waist expanded, then the thighs enlarged, then the underarm flapping began.  I felt like I was a turkey being plumped up for an upcoming holiday. By age 60 I was at my fighting weight…fighting to get below my delivery weight.  Boo and Hoo were thrilled as they had reached their peak of performance.  Sadly, at this age there were no more neighbor boys to entice.  And I’m sure I’m not exaggerating when I say I saw a look of sadness in my GYNO’s eyes when I had my exams. 

A little attention, that’s all B&H needed.  And then I got it!  After many years of clear mammograms, this year’s exam proved to be lethal, but in a good way.  Cancer, the size of a pin head, was detected in Boo and the party began.  I thought for sure Boo and Hoo would explode or pop like pimples from all the compressions they endured.  Mentally I was doing okay but physically….egh…not so much.  Finding a vein for blood draws or IVs was like mining for gold in the desert.  Boo was subjected to a biopsy with little complaint.  Hoo felt bad for Boo but was thrilled she didn’t have to have one.

Except for the EKG coming back as abnormal and being told I had had a heart attack which turned out not to be true nearly giving me a heart attack which would have been true had it been true.  Then the breast MRI came back abnormal in Hoo which took another year off of my life (not to mention what it did to Hoo) which turned out not to be true but I was over having a heart attack had it been true, which it was not. 

The day of surgery arrived.  With Ali and 2 friends in tow, we marched into the hospital at 6:45 a.m. I had to get the worst part over quickly, having my weight taken.  After that trauma, I asked for a sedative as I had 4 hours of procedures to endure before the actual surgery.  I was told I had to be awake which caused B&H to head for the exit with me following close behind.  To no avail, we headed for the first procedure…putting a wire in Boo to identify where the last of the cancer was hiding after the biopsy disintegrated the tumor.  I swear I could hear Sirius radio stations coming out of that wire which was quite calming.  It was playing my favorite music…Queen.  I actually gave the royal wave as I was being rolled from procedure to procedure.

Next up was the radiation room.  When I was told Boo was going to get 6 needle injections of radioactive dye, Boo and Hoo were actually BooHooing.  But a boob has to do what a boob has to do.  Once the screaming subsided, I was glowing….literally glowing!  The best part was that after the injections, Boo had to be massaged for 15 seconds every 15 minutes.  I tried to convince the good looking resident to help me accomplish this task, but I couldn’t entice him.  Perhaps I should have called one of the boys from the old neighborhood that mother thought was enticeable.

Finally the time came for surgery.  And would you believe it….that is when they gave me the sedative….minutes before I was rolled into the operating room to be given a general anesthetic.  I apologized up front for anything I might say due to the effects of the Versed.  I’m told I said, “This is no way to spend my birthday”, “Tell them I have a small throat”, and “Who is going to make me my pineapple upside down cake for my birthday”.  Luckily I had nothing to apologize for which was a concern.

Surgery only took 45 minutes.  But recovery, due to the double whammy of Versed and the general took another 5 hours before I could return home.  Boo is doing quite well, and the results are all good.  More fun is to come in terms of radiation and such.  Boo has had enough attention to cover another 66 years. And I am working with Hoo trying to explain that she is just as good as Boo but has her own talent and shouldn’t compare herself to Boo. 

Going forward, Boo and Hoo and I will be just fine.  The BooHooing is over as is the glowing.  Damn.  Life is good and the future is bright….but no glowing.  Damn.  The many prayers and positive energy (but no glowing. Damn) made a difference and continues to shine a light (but no glowing.  Damn) on me.  Today is the best day of my life.  I’m still a size C and ready for enticing!  Call in the neighbor boys!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Eyes Have It!

                                             

I recently had an eye exam and was told I needed to change the way I perceive things.  So I decided to rid myself of contacts and go back to glasses.  With this change I decided I wouldn’t see things as black or white, good or bad, high or low, in or out, perfect or….well, I think I can make an exception as to how I perceive myself on that one.

So, with this new outlook, I started looking around and wanted to share my new view of my world.  Because when you change your perception, you can change the outcome.  Here’s my list:

Item                                                      Old Perception                                 New Perception

Flood in Davenport                            Disaster                                              Front and backyard pool

My Body                                              Droopy Everything                           Proving Gravity Exists

Political Ads                                         Shoot Me                                           Paying for a DVR is great

Mammograms                                    Discomfort                                         Reminds me how I love
                                                                                                                           pancakes

                                                                                                                    
Children                                               I take care of them                          They will take care of me

Pickleball                                             Great exercise                                   A way to pop a tendon

Sex                                                        Great exercise                                  Female.  What you check on
                                                                                                                          forms.

Parking Lots                                        Place to park your car                      Great exercise looking for
                                                                                                                           said car
 

Airplane Travel                                   Irritable Bowel Syndrome               AMTRAK is my friend

Sleep                                                     What I used to get                           Chance to eat 3 more times

Crocheting Doilies                              What old people do                         What vibrant age advancing
                                                                                                                            people do

AARP                                                     What me?                                          Me

Words with Friends                           Good Challenge                                 Losing is Fun….sure!

Losing Body Hair                                OMG!                                                   Ooh La La

Going Gray                                          Getting Old Sucks                              Blondes have more fun. 
                                                                                                                           When?

Forgetfulness                                     Fear of Dementia                               Great excuse for
                                                                                                                            EVERYTHING!!

And the list goes on, but I don’t.  The point is, I am trying to see the world in a new way.  The world as a beautiful place, filled with beautiful people loving and laughing, helping one another, doing no harm, working together as one people, no preconceived notions, no disease and no hatred.  I think they call that smoking weed.  And since I don’t live in a state where that is legal, I’ll just have to wear my new glasses and do what I can to make MY world a better place.  Join me?

 

 

 

                               

 

My Vagina Monologue

 

 

This posting is rated “V”, not recommended for persons who are offended by the word “Vagina”, the abbreviation “Vag” or the letter “V”.  You can’t say I didn’t warn you!

So, picture this…yesterday my vagina and I woke up early to go to the gym.  Wait, wait, wait.  Perhaps “picture this” isn’t the way to go.  Let’s start over.  Listen to this...yesterday my….well, you remember the rest and I hate to repeat myself, I really hate to repeat myself. 

It’s been a week of doctor’s appointments (isn’t that what you are supposed to do when you retire?)  I had my head checked out, blood tests for my thyroid condition, and a visit to the family doc.  I recently visited the traveling Health Fair RV for a round of tests to check all things heart related.  So far so good.  And yesterday I was giving equal billing to my feminine side and “Vag” was very happy.  And that’s important because we are very close.  We have been through some intimate times and 2 births together so V’s happiness is my happiness.  However, going to the OB/GYN hasn’t been the best of times over the past few years so there was some hesitancy.  The problem has been a turnover problem.  Oh, don’t get the wrong idea, I haven’t had a problem turning over….yet.  The problem is that every year my doctor has left and I have to see a new doctor.  After 3 consecutive changes, “Vag” and I are beginning to wonder if we are to blame. 

So this year we decided to put our best foot forward, so to speak. We went to the gym to be in the best shape we could be in, shaved and moisturized my legs, had a pedicure, took a shower, practiced a few Kegel exercises, you know, like getting ready for a date.  Then off we went.  Got to the doc’s office right on time, checked in, handed over my newly laminated Social Security card, put my phone on vibrate (of course) and started playing Words with Friends for 15 minutes.  Then I played 7 Little Words for another 15 minutes.  Watched some office staff come and go from lunch for another 15 minutes.  Tried to get beyond level 30 of Candy Crush which didn’t happen for another frustrating 15 minutes.  Played Shuffle for another 15 minutes and then Vag had enough.  The moisturizer on my legs had dried up, I was beginning to sweat, my toe nails were growing at a ridiculous pace, and I couldn’t Kegel one more time. 

So I stood up, checked to make sure my bladder would hold and marched up to the window to ask what was taking so long.  The receptionist inquired as to which doctor I was there to see.  Obviously I had been there so long they forgot who I was already.  I was then told that my doctor was not even there, had not been there all morning, and they didn’t know when he was due to come back from surgery.  Vag was in an uproar; not a pretty picture I can tell you.  I did a couple of deep knee bends to get under control, swallowed my initial reaction of “Are you .…..ing kidding me” and smiled through clenched teeth and a clenched “V” and said, REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  With that, I took my vagina and left.

 

Later that day I got an apology call from the doctor’s office and was offered a $10 gift card and a new appointment tomorrow.  Nothing will kill the pain of rejection, abandonment, being overlooked, or being forgotten.  And you can be damn sure I’m not shaving my legs again.  There are consequences in life and my vagina is not very forgiving.

 

 

 

 

 

My Week as a Jewbyterian

Since I was young (40), I have looked forward to the time when I was older (65) and could partake of the experience known as Elder Hostel (now called Road Scholar).  As a lover of parentheses and all things spiritual, I searched high and low (actually I just talked to my friend Lancene) to find someone who would take this journey with me.  Of the many experiences Road Scholar offers, we chose the one that touched me closest (i.e. the one I could afford).  Called “Mind, Body & Spirit”, it was held in April at a Presbyterian mountain retreat in North Carolina. 

As soon as we arrived, I was struck by the beauty of the area and of the hill I had to drag my luggage up.  Everything about the week was beyond my expectations:  The food was delicious and abundant, the participants were interesting and incredibly friendly, the rooms were newly redecorated and Lancene was a perfect travel mate.

But it was the programs and their leaders that made the week exceptional.  I learned how to sit, stand, lift, breathe, relax, get up from a position on the floor without toppling over, how to topple over with grace, exercise my brain, eat properly (I now put blueberries in my brownies), add variety to my computer games… and then there was the spiritual piece.

Each morning we explored the Old Testament’s psalms, led by Jim, a retired Presbyterian minister (truly wonderful!!!).  The only Jewish person in the group, I tried to add what I knew (limited as it was) about the Jewish perspective and traditions.  Jim was so inspiring and learned.  His insight brought me new insight and I wanted to honor his teaching by becoming an honorary Jewbyterian (yes, I coined this term).    It’s a pretty easy sect to follow.  You just eat blue brownies, topple over periodically, drag luggage up hills, breathe when appropriate and appreciate learned scholars and their insights at an affordable price.  I would absolutely recommend the Road Scholar programs and particularly the “Mind, Body & Spirit” experience.   I would also recommend Lancene as a travel buddy, but she is mine and you can’t have her.