My Vagina Monologue

 

 

This posting is rated “V”, not recommended for persons who are offended by the word “Vagina”, the abbreviation “Vag” or the letter “V”.  You can’t say I didn’t warn you!

So, picture this…yesterday my vagina and I woke up early to go to the gym.  Wait, wait, wait.  Perhaps “picture this” isn’t the way to go.  Let’s start over.  Listen to this...yesterday my….well, you remember the rest and I hate to repeat myself, I really hate to repeat myself. 

It’s been a week of doctor’s appointments (isn’t that what you are supposed to do when you retire?)  I had my head checked out, blood tests for my thyroid condition, and a visit to the family doc.  I recently visited the traveling Health Fair RV for a round of tests to check all things heart related.  So far so good.  And yesterday I was giving equal billing to my feminine side and “Vag” was very happy.  And that’s important because we are very close.  We have been through some intimate times and 2 births together so V’s happiness is my happiness.  However, going to the OB/GYN hasn’t been the best of times over the past few years so there was some hesitancy.  The problem has been a turnover problem.  Oh, don’t get the wrong idea, I haven’t had a problem turning over….yet.  The problem is that every year my doctor has left and I have to see a new doctor.  After 3 consecutive changes, “Vag” and I are beginning to wonder if we are to blame. 

So this year we decided to put our best foot forward, so to speak. We went to the gym to be in the best shape we could be in, shaved and moisturized my legs, had a pedicure, took a shower, practiced a few Kegel exercises, you know, like getting ready for a date.  Then off we went.  Got to the doc’s office right on time, checked in, handed over my newly laminated Social Security card, put my phone on vibrate (of course) and started playing Words with Friends for 15 minutes.  Then I played 7 Little Words for another 15 minutes.  Watched some office staff come and go from lunch for another 15 minutes.  Tried to get beyond level 30 of Candy Crush which didn’t happen for another frustrating 15 minutes.  Played Shuffle for another 15 minutes and then Vag had enough.  The moisturizer on my legs had dried up, I was beginning to sweat, my toe nails were growing at a ridiculous pace, and I couldn’t Kegel one more time. 

So I stood up, checked to make sure my bladder would hold and marched up to the window to ask what was taking so long.  The receptionist inquired as to which doctor I was there to see.  Obviously I had been there so long they forgot who I was already.  I was then told that my doctor was not even there, had not been there all morning, and they didn’t know when he was due to come back from surgery.  Vag was in an uproar; not a pretty picture I can tell you.  I did a couple of deep knee bends to get under control, swallowed my initial reaction of “Are you .…..ing kidding me” and smiled through clenched teeth and a clenched “V” and said, REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  With that, I took my vagina and left.

 

Later that day I got an apology call from the doctor’s office and was offered a $10 gift card and a new appointment tomorrow.  Nothing will kill the pain of rejection, abandonment, being overlooked, or being forgotten.  And you can be damn sure I’m not shaving my legs again.  There are consequences in life and my vagina is not very forgiving.