Tattoos versus Taboos

 

 

Last week I picked up my new contact lenses and I find I am not seeing as well as I should. So when I received an email yesterday regarding today’s 10 most common office tattoos, I was very excited. How disappointed I was to find it described office taboos, not tattoos.  Even though NONE of these relate to me, I thought YOU might be interested.

Poor Hygiene. To keep from smelling, shower and don’t floss, clip your nails, brush your hair or apply makeup at your desk.

• Poor Health Habits. Wash your hands often, and cough in your elbow.
• Wear Appropriate Clothing.
• Gossip. Don't be the source or instigator of office gossip.
• Email Etiquette. Please, please do not hit "Reply All" unless you really think it is critical
• Pets. Don't assume that you can bring Fido in without asking first
• Cooking. It is probably not a good idea to cook fish, broccoli or even microwave popcorn.
• Perfumes and Colognes. More than just a drop is probably too much.
• Cell Phones. For some reason when people answer a call on their cell phone their voices automatically go up several decibels. And, yes, you may have a hilarious ring tone, but after the fourth or fifth time it's just not that funny.
• Undergarments. Undergarments are meant to be "under". 
• Mistakes and Goofs. We all make mistakes at work. It is not necessary to point out your co-workers' goofs to all the other employees.
• Sex Life. Your sexual exploits should be private
• Cursing. Yelling, cursing, screaming should be directed to your favorite politician, not to your co-workers.

So today after I came to the office and shared with my co-workers , my evening of passionate love making,  I shoved my boobs back into my blouse and read the email with the list of office taboos which I simply couldn’t relate to.  I then went into the bathroom and sat in the sink and bathed.  Forgetting my cologne, I just used air freshener to give myself a fresh scent.  I cleaned the toothpaste residue off my desk along with my clipped nail remains and wisps of hair that fell out due to my advancing age.  I wiped my diseased hands on the last tax return I processed before putting on my lipstick which fell into the shredder.  Then I sent an email to everyone I know to tell them about my new pet dog that I named "Schmoozer" who pooped on my foot and then attacked my boss.  But I was able to release his grasp as I had just cooked cabbage and the smell made him faint (the dog, not my boss).  As the day progressed, I made damn sure I pointed out all the mistakes everyone had made.  Now I’m off to get a tattoo.