Thumbthings to Consider

So, I went to the orthopedist to find out why my thumb was not working properly and was told that I have texting thumb, even though I don’t text much.  My problem comes from crocheting too much.  So I guess you could say I have crotch thumb. Not only does it hurt, but it prevents me from accomplishing many tasks.  Let me list them (cause you know how I love my lists).

• Since I can’t use my thumb when I hitchhike, I have to expose my leg which is a bit unattractive with my knee high hose engorged under my kneecap.  Sadly, my thumb is the sexiest part of my body.
• No more sucking of the thumb.  I tried using my big toe, but pulled out my back in the process.
•  Have you ever tried pulling your pants up without the use of your thumb?  Not a pretty site.  You think you have it made and then they slide back down again.  Although I would still have problems even if I had 10 thumbs. It’s getting the damn things over the hips that is the obstacle. I am working on training my pants to jump up, but I haven’t found the right incentive yet.  Maybe I could train my big toe to help cause it obviously isn’t doing anything right now.
• Try and latch a necklace without the use of your thumb.  If I can get one on, I can’t get it off.  And without someone to help, I now have 18 necklaces on and can’t lift my head up straight due to the weight. 
• Forget about buttons.  If I can’t pull it over my head or pull it up, it doesn’t go on my body.  I have been known to have to sleep in my clothes and my coat.  The EMT’s just laugh at me and 911 won’t answer my calls any longer.
• This ailment hasn’t affected my driving.  I don’t use my hands for that anyway.
• You might think my typing would be affected since you need a thumb to depress the space bar.  But I’m Jewish, so I just use my nose.  And then, I still have that unemployed big toe as a possibility.
• No more “thumbs up” for me when something goes right.  The only finger that someone recognizes instantly is my middle finger and somehow I don’t get the same response when I smile and say “atta girl/guy” and give them that finger. 
• I can’t hold my toothbrush so I just don’t brush my teeth anymore. Tried using the big toe again, but fell on the floor and you don’t want to know where the toothbrush ended up.

Well, my big toe, back and thumb are all throbbing now  (not to mention where my toothbrush ended up), so I’ll end my list and say “atta girl/guy for reading my blog.  I’m sending you a big smile and giving you Maxine’s version of a “thumbs up”.