What To Do When I Retire

I recently read an article that listed 8 part-time jobs a person might consider after retirement.  Suggestions included tour guide, retail salesperson, bookkeeper, home health care provider, yadda, yadda, yadda.  I guess for the average person, these might be of interest.  But to me, the not so average person….this list sucks.

So, here is my updated list that I am offering in case anyone needs my unique skills.

#1:          Professional crier:  I am available for weddings, funerals, job firings, surprise parties, divorce proceedings, births, or any emotional event.  I can produce tears in a matter of seconds awake or asleep.    Kleenex not included.

#2:          Expert Party Pooper:  Give me a party, I can be miserable and ruin it for others as well.  My special skills include moping, pouting, finger drumming, whining and vomiting. 

#3:          Gum chewer:  Have braces, dentures or partials?  Can’t chew gum on your own?  I am available to chew it for you.  I prefer peppermint, but would consider other flavors.  I charge in 15 minute increments and will return the fully chewed piece upon request.

#4:          Sunburn peeler:  My children can attest to the fact that I have always loved peeling their little sunburned bodies.  The dermatology police have yet to catch me in the act, so my record is clean.  I am also available for grape and peach peeling if that rings your chimes.

#5:          Back scratcher:  This service is an interactive activity.  You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours is a requirement.  A true give and take service.   I give you 15 minutes and I take 20 in return.  Additional services include arm, head and feet.  No toes.  Don’t ask.

#6:          Gossip monger:  Got a secret you want to disseminate?  I’m your gal.  You can call, text or email me.  No twitter.  My tweeter is broken at this time.  I can share your innermost thoughts, fears, joys, and more with a whole host of friends, strangers, and yet to be determined relatives all for the low, low price of….oh, that’s a secret.

#7:          Gas passer:  It seems the current trend in gas exploration is fracking.  Well, it doesn’t take a lot of water and pressure to get natural gas from this source.  So think of me the next time you need to fill your tank.  My resources are always available at a moment’s notice.  A little cheese please and I am ready, willing and more than able.

#8:          Back seat driver:  Actually I prefer to sit in the front seat on the passenger side where I can get my hands on the air bag (see #7) and you can hear me better.  I can critique, scream, hyperventilate, vomit (see #2), attempt to take the wheel away from you, throw myself from the car (moving or not), display any number of fingers in any number of sequences at passing cars, guffaw at speed limit signs, and other requests made in writing 10 days in advance.   However, I will not throw trash out the window.  I do have my limits.

I can also bundle my services (hey, Progressive Insurance can do it and so can I).  Perhaps you are going to drive (#8) to a boring divorce (#1) beach (#4) party (#2) where they hand out gum (#3) that you are allergic to that causes you to itch (#5).  Bundling available with a 10% discount.

As I am turning 65 in a few months, I am taking orders now.   And if you sign up in the next 15 minutes, you will also get my 2014 Maxine Does Davenport Calendar.  So don’t delay.

               

 

Tattoos versus Taboos

 

 

Last week I picked up my new contact lenses and I find I am not seeing as well as I should. So when I received an email yesterday regarding today’s 10 most common office tattoos, I was very excited. How disappointed I was to find it described office taboos, not tattoos.  Even though NONE of these relate to me, I thought YOU might be interested.

Poor Hygiene. To keep from smelling, shower and don’t floss, clip your nails, brush your hair or apply makeup at your desk.

• Poor Health Habits. Wash your hands often, and cough in your elbow.
• Wear Appropriate Clothing.
• Gossip. Don't be the source or instigator of office gossip.
• Email Etiquette. Please, please do not hit "Reply All" unless you really think it is critical
• Pets. Don't assume that you can bring Fido in without asking first
• Cooking. It is probably not a good idea to cook fish, broccoli or even microwave popcorn.
• Perfumes and Colognes. More than just a drop is probably too much.
• Cell Phones. For some reason when people answer a call on their cell phone their voices automatically go up several decibels. And, yes, you may have a hilarious ring tone, but after the fourth or fifth time it's just not that funny.
• Undergarments. Undergarments are meant to be "under". 
• Mistakes and Goofs. We all make mistakes at work. It is not necessary to point out your co-workers' goofs to all the other employees.
• Sex Life. Your sexual exploits should be private
• Cursing. Yelling, cursing, screaming should be directed to your favorite politician, not to your co-workers.

So today after I came to the office and shared with my co-workers , my evening of passionate love making,  I shoved my boobs back into my blouse and read the email with the list of office taboos which I simply couldn’t relate to.  I then went into the bathroom and sat in the sink and bathed.  Forgetting my cologne, I just used air freshener to give myself a fresh scent.  I cleaned the toothpaste residue off my desk along with my clipped nail remains and wisps of hair that fell out due to my advancing age.  I wiped my diseased hands on the last tax return I processed before putting on my lipstick which fell into the shredder.  Then I sent an email to everyone I know to tell them about my new pet dog that I named "Schmoozer" who pooped on my foot and then attacked my boss.  But I was able to release his grasp as I had just cooked cabbage and the smell made him faint (the dog, not my boss).  As the day progressed, I made damn sure I pointed out all the mistakes everyone had made.  Now I’m off to get a tattoo.

 

 

 

 

It's Just a Lot of Hot Air

 

I have been blessed in so many ways in my life.  Great husband.  Great kids.  Great siblings.  Great friends.  But the greatest blessing of all has been my Tinnitus.  You know Tinnitus!   No, it’s not my dog.  It’s the constant ringing in my ears that I have had for over 10 years.  It provides that lovely ambient noise in the middle of my brain that keeps me awake, which wouldn’t be a problem except it does so all night long.

But heh, we have learned to live together without much conflict until yesterday when I went for a hearing test.  It turns out Tinnitus has an effect on my being able to hear high pitched sounds.  I needed to know in no uncertain terms exactly what sounds I have been missing for 10 years.  I asked the doctor to be truthful, hold no punches as I could take whatever he had to tell me.  With tears in his eyes and shaking his head back and forth, he explained that I have lost the ability to hear……..whistling.  OMG!!!!!!!

Now it all makes sense.  Ten years ago I heard guys whistling at me all the time!  But as I look back, I haven’t heard such jaw dropping adoration since the 90s.  I changed my hair, I bought push up bras, I covered up the spider veins on the back of my legs and yet, I heard no whistling.  Over time, I had seen men pucker up and when I heard no sound, I thought they were just blowing hot air.  To them, I apologize for not acknowledging their well deserved appreciation of my efforts to improve myself.  Then I thought perhaps Congress had passed a bill banning whistling, but now I know the truth.  And the truth hurts.

Now the question is, how to move forward?  What is a life without being able to hear whistling?  I will have to check to see if there is a support group for this. Now, no more trips to the annual International Whistling Competition for me.  No more whistling while I work.  All I’m left with are cat calls.  But, life is a compromise, so say our Congress people.  And if they can do it, so can I.  

 

Been There, Coughed Up That

 

I came out from under my bed today and what did I see?

Lots of people coughing all over me.

Sharing is lovely and I’m not one to complain

But what benefit are your germs, you have to explain.

Being old and being sick is nothing at which to sneeze

So, much as I like you,  keep your “strip do caucus” away from me … please.

I’d like to see 65 in happiness and health

And if the market goes my way, with a little, just a little wealth.

No touching, no kissing, no elbows, no knees

So I’m kinky, I get it, just please heed my pleas.

It’s back under the bed where I’m safe and I’m sound

You can text, you can call, till spring comes around.

Stay well, that’s your job and do it you must

That’s my ruling from Judge Maxie and my rulings are just.